Today, umm should I say yesterday since it is 345 in the morning.... Tuesday Morning, there was an earthquake outside of LA. From news report and later confirmed by coworkers, it could be felt all the way down here in San Diego.
I did not feel a think. Highly disappointed. In fact I didn't even know it happened. How did I find out, for the rest of the day since the earthquake first hit at 11:42am, I recieved a slew of texts and phone calls from friends and family back home making sure I was okay. Jen & Paul both texted me almost immediately and I was completely confused. I had no idea what they were talking about.
A goal of mine was to feel an earthquake while living here. I guess I can't really say "goal" since it is something I literally have no control over. Now that there was even the slightly potential, and I was laying in bed checking myspace and could have felt it and not even noticed, I am saddened. Grant it people, I'm not asking for a big one, just a small little shake.
Even more than my disappointment, was the sheer appreciation of the level of concern from people back home. It was truly touching to know people cared and worried about my safety and well being. I know my friends and family do, but to actually see it in action is different, makes it more evident and real. I didn't expect anyone to be concerned, since I seriously had no idea there was even an earthquake. It is a great feeling especially since I have been emotionally struggling with the idea of leaving San Diego and moving home for the fall.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
the date
Last night the date that I move back home was narrowed down, It will either be September 10 or 11th. A bittersweet day. All my life I wonder what it would be like to live in other parts of the country and world. To submerge myself in the culture of different cities, to experience daily life as those living there experience. Nursing I knew would provide that opportunity for me and it has. San Diego has been my first stop. I have fallen in love with San Diego. It comes as no surprise. 5 months into it, I have learned so much about life here and California. Indeed, I claim to be no expert on the city. I struggle though. As i fulfill a life long dream to travel there are many hardships.
Friends. It is easy for me to make friends, I never fear not being able to. What is hard is leaving my friends back home. I miss them terribly. To have the comfort of someone knowing your life for years, that knows everything about you and how you have become who you are, that is something that you can't just easily walk away from. I knew this would be difficult for me. My friends back home have been a support for me during some of my most difficult times in my life. The death of my mom, my struggles with depression, coming out, they were there for me during those times. I found support from my friends when I couldn't with my family. To have them so far away and not be able to see them whenever I want, is a tremendous challenge for myself. When I am sad and confused, it is them I want to go to and lean on.
Travel or Stay. My goal is to travel and experience the culture of cities. I have started to find my nitch here in San Diego. Is this where I see myself spending the rest of my life? No. But I don't feel my time is necessarily up here. I want to tell myself I will come back when I come home but then I also feel I am not allowing myself the opportunity to really explore other cities. I love to travel. A few years ago, once I actually had a full time job, I set a goal to travel somewhere once a season. Vacation though is very limiting, you see everything that city has to show in a few short days but not actually how that city truly lives. I don't always feel you get to know the place you travel if all you do is the tourist traps. However, I accept that in traveling and still enjoy seeing what any place I go has to offer
I am stuck. I am going home. Happy, happy to be able to hang out with bob and john john watching some silly gay movie until the middle of the night. Take a random walk with Jeannette that will be further than expected. Drive down to MD to see Jilly and MegHan. And the countless other special encounters i get with my dear friends. But i will miss those friends I have made out here, who have welcomed me into their lives, Who call me friend. The desire to live in other parts of the country overpowering, Meet new people, new friends to share my life with. All this and I still yearn to have someone special share in my experiences with me. As I get older, I want more and more something serious and real. It is also hard to travel because I am getting tired of my job, working the bedside. I feel drained, uninterested and understimulated. I need some more.
It is all overwhelming at times.
I have a lot of options, which I enjoy having. However, It doesn't help focus which way to go. So i try to take one day at a time and see where I end up. If I fall in love on the way so be it. If I find a job that ends up being my passion, kudos to me. I just have to stay focus and keep positive, which can be hard. I have this opportunity many do not and I need to take advantage of it.
So game plan as of now.
Leave San Diego and go home to Philly for the fall. Go Per Diem at Hahnemann.
December or January go to Florida Keys for an assignemnt
After 3 months, move back to San Diego and take a full time job possibly as a home health nurse, something completely different.
That is my tentative plan. Who knows what God has in store fo rme
(Speaking of God, I went to mass for the second time! Went to a Church in Old Town. It wasn't as nice as the mass at the mission, but still interesting)
Friends. It is easy for me to make friends, I never fear not being able to. What is hard is leaving my friends back home. I miss them terribly. To have the comfort of someone knowing your life for years, that knows everything about you and how you have become who you are, that is something that you can't just easily walk away from. I knew this would be difficult for me. My friends back home have been a support for me during some of my most difficult times in my life. The death of my mom, my struggles with depression, coming out, they were there for me during those times. I found support from my friends when I couldn't with my family. To have them so far away and not be able to see them whenever I want, is a tremendous challenge for myself. When I am sad and confused, it is them I want to go to and lean on.
Travel or Stay. My goal is to travel and experience the culture of cities. I have started to find my nitch here in San Diego. Is this where I see myself spending the rest of my life? No. But I don't feel my time is necessarily up here. I want to tell myself I will come back when I come home but then I also feel I am not allowing myself the opportunity to really explore other cities. I love to travel. A few years ago, once I actually had a full time job, I set a goal to travel somewhere once a season. Vacation though is very limiting, you see everything that city has to show in a few short days but not actually how that city truly lives. I don't always feel you get to know the place you travel if all you do is the tourist traps. However, I accept that in traveling and still enjoy seeing what any place I go has to offer
I am stuck. I am going home. Happy, happy to be able to hang out with bob and john john watching some silly gay movie until the middle of the night. Take a random walk with Jeannette that will be further than expected. Drive down to MD to see Jilly and MegHan. And the countless other special encounters i get with my dear friends. But i will miss those friends I have made out here, who have welcomed me into their lives, Who call me friend. The desire to live in other parts of the country overpowering, Meet new people, new friends to share my life with. All this and I still yearn to have someone special share in my experiences with me. As I get older, I want more and more something serious and real. It is also hard to travel because I am getting tired of my job, working the bedside. I feel drained, uninterested and understimulated. I need some more.
It is all overwhelming at times.
I have a lot of options, which I enjoy having. However, It doesn't help focus which way to go. So i try to take one day at a time and see where I end up. If I fall in love on the way so be it. If I find a job that ends up being my passion, kudos to me. I just have to stay focus and keep positive, which can be hard. I have this opportunity many do not and I need to take advantage of it.
So game plan as of now.
Leave San Diego and go home to Philly for the fall. Go Per Diem at Hahnemann.
December or January go to Florida Keys for an assignemnt
After 3 months, move back to San Diego and take a full time job possibly as a home health nurse, something completely different.
That is my tentative plan. Who knows what God has in store fo rme
(Speaking of God, I went to mass for the second time! Went to a Church in Old Town. It wasn't as nice as the mass at the mission, but still interesting)
Monday, July 28, 2008
http yeah you know me
AOL IM profiles
Geocities personal websites
Telnet chat
this what the world wide web was to me in high school. fun times.
It is always interesting to see how the world, how life, has progressed.
Geocities personal websites
Telnet chat
this what the world wide web was to me in high school. fun times.
It is always interesting to see how the world, how life, has progressed.
Friday, July 25, 2008
first book ever finished
From my recollection, last night (at work) I finished the first book I ever freely chose to read. Now, I debated as going as far as saying finished a book period but i know I actually enjoyed and fully read some of the books I was suppose to read for summer breaks. I am not saying I have never read anything that I was not forced to read, it is just that I have always started them and never finished. (please refer to number 17 of my last posting.)
The Book? 'Here's What We'll Say' by Reichen Lehmkuhl. Who??? Well he is the bf (maybe now ex-bf knowing how the gays work) Lance from N*Sync and he was also on the Amazing Race with his then partner Chip and won.
Okay, so i'm sure most of you are wondering why the hell out of all the great autobiographies and novels of the world would I chose to read and become enthralled with this one? Well it is autobiography about discovering himself and coming out while in the Air Force Academy. I have been in the process, side-lined now that I am in California, to join the Air Force Reserve. I thought it would be an interesting perspective on the Air Force and help me figure out whether or not to commit to part of the military. What I found was a book that I could not put down. I never had a book before that would keep me up all night when reading it instead of making me pass out. Each page I read I wanted to hear more about his experiences. It gave me hard-on at times, it made me cry at times, especially the last few chapters.
Although I did start this back in the fall/early winter, the times I picked it up i never wanted to put it down. I remember laying in bed in my grandma's basement up until 3 or 4 am reading this book and forcing myself to put it down. Recently i have been reading it on my night shifts. I actually felt more awake reading the book than when I would put it down to check on my patients. I never experienced such a thing from a book.
There was a chapter or two that became preachy, going off on a tangent about gay rights. Those were the only parts I skipped ahead. I already support gay rights and agreed with what he started going off on. I wasn't reading it to reconfirm my views of gay rights or hear someone's else. I just wanted to hear his story.
It was not the best literary work, not even close. It was simple writing. I accept and relate. But something about it grabbed hold of my attention and never let go. I would recommend it. It was an interesting perspective on gays in the military. I also think it would help those who might be struggling with accepting themselves or coming out.
I am actually proud that I finished a book I wanted to read. I actually had come to accept that I would probably never finish a book. I surprised myself. More so because I had put it down for sometime since I moved to San Diego but I brought it because I knew I needed and wanted to finish it. Christmas in July was that day! This may sound silly to some of you, but those that know me and not my poor attention span, this is an amazing accomplishment for me!
** umm so I just went to go find a picture of the book to add to this posting and found a link to a myspace page dedicated to it... http://www.myspace.com/hereswhatwellsay that's wierd**
The Book? 'Here's What We'll Say' by Reichen Lehmkuhl. Who??? Well he is the bf (maybe now ex-bf knowing how the gays work) Lance from N*Sync and he was also on the Amazing Race with his then partner Chip and won.
Okay, so i'm sure most of you are wondering why the hell out of all the great autobiographies and novels of the world would I chose to read and become enthralled with this one? Well it is autobiography about discovering himself and coming out while in the Air Force Academy. I have been in the process, side-lined now that I am in California, to join the Air Force Reserve. I thought it would be an interesting perspective on the Air Force and help me figure out whether or not to commit to part of the military. What I found was a book that I could not put down. I never had a book before that would keep me up all night when reading it instead of making me pass out. Each page I read I wanted to hear more about his experiences. It gave me hard-on at times, it made me cry at times, especially the last few chapters.
Although I did start this back in the fall/early winter, the times I picked it up i never wanted to put it down. I remember laying in bed in my grandma's basement up until 3 or 4 am reading this book and forcing myself to put it down. Recently i have been reading it on my night shifts. I actually felt more awake reading the book than when I would put it down to check on my patients. I never experienced such a thing from a book.
There was a chapter or two that became preachy, going off on a tangent about gay rights. Those were the only parts I skipped ahead. I already support gay rights and agreed with what he started going off on. I wasn't reading it to reconfirm my views of gay rights or hear someone's else. I just wanted to hear his story.
It was not the best literary work, not even close. It was simple writing. I accept and relate. But something about it grabbed hold of my attention and never let go. I would recommend it. It was an interesting perspective on gays in the military. I also think it would help those who might be struggling with accepting themselves or coming out.
I am actually proud that I finished a book I wanted to read. I actually had come to accept that I would probably never finish a book. I surprised myself. More so because I had put it down for sometime since I moved to San Diego but I brought it because I knew I needed and wanted to finish it. Christmas in July was that day! This may sound silly to some of you, but those that know me and not my poor attention span, this is an amazing accomplishment for me!
** umm so I just went to go find a picture of the book to add to this posting and found a link to a myspace page dedicated to it... http://www.myspace.com/hereswhatwellsay that's wierd**
Thursday, July 24, 2008
29 things you should know about me
Sadly, this literally took me all day to come up with. It was a challenge.
Monday, July 21, 2008
San Diego Gay Pride 2008
Hot Mess. That is what this weekend was for me and for ever gay in san diego both visitors and residents.
Friday.
Friday evening I had a kick off bar be que. It was fun, low key. I didn't want to go out and get trashed because well I knew that would be my whole weekend. Not to say i didn't get messed up Friday night, i did, but through the comfort of my own home.
Saturday.
Now Saturday... saturday, saturday, saturday. I'm not sure what happened saturday, well i do, except later in the day I don't. It began with me waking up late and quickly getting dressed to head over to Steven's place. I wanted to make sure I was there early because his place is right by the park where the festival takes place. I knew parking would be a bitch. I scored a nice spot though right by his place. We decided to walk to the where the parade started. Steven, Adam, Whitney and I started on our adventure. During this hike, it was joking brought up to make it competition to set a goal to make out with a certain number of people during the parade. I jokingly said 12 thinking that it was foolish and unrealistic number and situation. Not so apparently. The drinking also began on this very same walk. Accompanying us on our stroll were Target bought mini Sangrias. They look like juice boxes, so easy to break out and drink while walking. And that we did! At 1030 in the morning!
We finally made it to the beginning of the parade. Sadly we missed the opening with the dykes on bikes. Actually I wouldn't see much of the parade. We strolled around and I separated and joined up with Bev, Lara and crew at Baja Betty's. This is where it officially all started. By this time it was noonish, the parade was going strong outside and I did throughout the course of our stay there 2 shots of petron, 1 1/2 maragaritas and a vodka & club. Now after some shots of petron, one really loosens up. It also will help remind you you had set a goal to make out with 12 people. And I proceed. I left betty's with one make out down and feeling pretty loaded. I watched the parade some more with bev, lara, dondi and fred. Dondi and I decided to go drink some more and we proceed to go to Flicks. What is fun about being loaded is that I talk to everyone. At Flicks I randomly ran into a guy that was from jersey and his friend was from philly. They were cool, don't remember their names, if i even got them. I had a drink there with dondi then we proceed to Rich's. Rich's was uneventful and we didn't stay long. I'm sure I had a drink and probably even made out with some people. This point I was well on my way of reaching my goal. Lara & Bev were at Numbers, the parade had ended and the sea of gays were on the move to the festival at Balboa park. Dondi and I meet up with Bev and lara and taxied it to the park. Getting out of the taxi and i rang Steven. He was at a party by his apartment. Dondi and I went over to join them. at this point I was up to 8 make outs. Cory and Kevin, a couple that Steven knows who were at the party, proceeded to be 9 & 10. We didn't stay long at the house party, which was really a condo party. We left and head to the park. While walking i ran into Meg. I remember her name, not sure why. She was a 60 year old lesbian who look like she just ran a marathon( I think she did). Not sure how we started talking, most likely I initiated it. She was cool, we bonded for a few blocks, until i departed her for the ATMS
Now Bolboa park, for those who have not been to San Diego, is huge and has a lot of historical buildings and museums. Tourist were there riding trolleys having an enjoyable family day. San Diego gay Pride is also the biggest event in San Diego, it brings in the largest crowd out of any other event during the year. Needless to say i'm not sure how the tourist felt seeing a swarm of gays, wasted, stumbling down the street guys dressed like girls, girls dressed like guys, feather boas and rainbow flags everywhere. One of these trolleys was fortunate enough to stop in front of me. I, drunk, decided to start welcoming the tourist to San Diego and the gay pride event. Steven said it was quite funny, to us not them. This particular trolley had quite a number of families on there, and they just looked at me with shock.
Number 12. Once we go in the park, I got up to 11 and now I was 1 away from my goal. Some how number 12 ended up being a large blonde drag queen dressed in a white gown. Steven got a picture of the milestone. I don't know how it happened, it just did. But it seems very appropriate that number 12 be "special" I decided not to stop at 12. 12 and on Steven documented with pictures. Like the previous 11 I don't remember any of them. (well I remember 4, the first guy, this hot guy name Dana, and Cory & Kevin.)
The festival is like Philly's Block party, lot of tables with people handing out things or trying to sell things. They put stickers on you, ask to to sign up for this or that or ask for money. At some point I got suckered into paying 10 dollars a month for the Human Rights Campaign and an additional $35 gift for a blue bag with an equal sign on it. Damn them. After that I ended up separate from Steven and at the Kilt tent. I remember seeing guys earlier in kilts and telling Steven that i was going to buy a kilt. So i did. 358 dollars later I walked out of the kilt tent with my new kilt, free balling. Drunk, in a kilt with no underwear, and surrounded by thousands of gays. Not a good thing! I think it is safe to say half of San Diego has touched my balls. I roamed the festival a little more and ended up at the Latin Beer Garden. There luckily I meet up with Steven and Adam. I danced a little. What is better than a drunk guy wearing a kilt and flip flops dancing to latin music. I was a hit. My kilt was a hit. My balls apparently were a hit too.
We stayed at the Latin Tent for the remainder of the festival and stumbled back to Steven's apartment. I believe I mooned a few people on the way. We got to Steven's and then I hit the couch and took a nice power nap. When we all awoke we showered, got dressed then proceed back to drinking and a night on the town. I was still drunk. Now when i say I was drunk, I was drunk but not gone. I was in a happy medium of goofy fun drunk, still can walk right and make sense when talking. Once we got to Rich's though, I don't remember much. As many of my friends know, and now my San Diego friends have seen, me shitloaded is nuts. Uncontrollable. I am like a kid with ADHD x200. I even turned into one of the gays that takes his shit off while dancing. Of course the floor was filled with shirtless guys. We stayed there until Midnight. I later found out the fire marshal showed up at Rich's later that night and shut them down for being over the occupancy. It was good that we left when we did. We went to the Brass Rail. We randomly ran into Oliver, Ken and Eunice in line who showed up the same time. Eunice is cool because I meet her last year at pride. I haven't seen or talked to her since. It was kind of cool to meet her again at this year's pride. Inside the shirt came off again and Adam and I got up and pole danced. Apparently I threw my shirt at some chick when I go up there too.
At the end of the night Adam disappeared (ended up in Chula Vista) and Steven and I went back to his place. Steven was sober and I was tanked. As he drove home, I decide to "lecture" Steven. It was a good talking though, nothing offensive. Just about how he needs to open up more! Steven has actually become my best guy friend out here. He has some attitude but he is sincere and genuine. I trust him and enjoying hanging out with him. He calls me his little brother, even though I am two years older than him. He says something about how I am like a little kid with how I view the world and act sometimes and that makes him feel like i'm his younger brother. He is right.
Sunday.
I woke up drunk. In fact for the whole morning I was drunk still. Steven and I meet up with Brian and Eric for lunch. They didn't realize how drunk I was the previous night. That was the first time I let myself get like that here. I was fine during the day but at night I was shitfaced. I mean my intention was never to get like that at all. I have been really good though at controlling my drinking in San Diego. The main reason is I just don't want to drink a lot but also being in a new town with new friends i just don't feel it wise to get so wasted that I wouldn't be able to get home. After lunch we took a much needed nap. Adam returned home. The nap didn't help me, it actually converted my drunkness to feeling hungover. We decided to still make our way to The Hole. I decided to wear my kilt again because well when the hell will I ever wear a kilt??? I didn't think I was going to make it. I was hungover, barely could stand and my body was shaking, not sure why probably from dehydration? But after pounding a bottle of water and a mini pitcher of miller lite, I miraculously felt fine! Adam, who also was in the same boat as me, agreed that after a beer he felt better. I didn't get drunk, I couldn't. Although I felt better from the beer, I still had no desire to get even close to being intoxicated. After The Hole a huge gang of bears all went to Brian's, a restaurant that is sorta like a diner, as close to a diner San Diego can get. I was still in my kilt. After dinner we went home and debated about going out. We forced ourselves too. We went to Mo's but lasted there only about 30 minutes. The three of us were exhausted and Adam & I still felt gross from being hung over. We went back to Steven's and watched Golden Girls on DVD. And That is how my San Diego Gay Pride Weekend ended.
Friday.
Friday evening I had a kick off bar be que. It was fun, low key. I didn't want to go out and get trashed because well I knew that would be my whole weekend. Not to say i didn't get messed up Friday night, i did, but through the comfort of my own home.
Saturday.
Now Saturday... saturday, saturday, saturday. I'm not sure what happened saturday, well i do, except later in the day I don't. It began with me waking up late and quickly getting dressed to head over to Steven's place. I wanted to make sure I was there early because his place is right by the park where the festival takes place. I knew parking would be a bitch. I scored a nice spot though right by his place. We decided to walk to the where the parade started. Steven, Adam, Whitney and I started on our adventure. During this hike, it was joking brought up to make it competition to set a goal to make out with a certain number of people during the parade. I jokingly said 12 thinking that it was foolish and unrealistic number and situation. Not so apparently. The drinking also began on this very same walk. Accompanying us on our stroll were Target bought mini Sangrias. They look like juice boxes, so easy to break out and drink while walking. And that we did! At 1030 in the morning!
We finally made it to the beginning of the parade. Sadly we missed the opening with the dykes on bikes. Actually I wouldn't see much of the parade. We strolled around and I separated and joined up with Bev, Lara and crew at Baja Betty's. This is where it officially all started. By this time it was noonish, the parade was going strong outside and I did throughout the course of our stay there 2 shots of petron, 1 1/2 maragaritas and a vodka & club. Now after some shots of petron, one really loosens up. It also will help remind you you had set a goal to make out with 12 people. And I proceed. I left betty's with one make out down and feeling pretty loaded. I watched the parade some more with bev, lara, dondi and fred. Dondi and I decided to go drink some more and we proceed to go to Flicks. What is fun about being loaded is that I talk to everyone. At Flicks I randomly ran into a guy that was from jersey and his friend was from philly. They were cool, don't remember their names, if i even got them. I had a drink there with dondi then we proceed to Rich's. Rich's was uneventful and we didn't stay long. I'm sure I had a drink and probably even made out with some people. This point I was well on my way of reaching my goal. Lara & Bev were at Numbers, the parade had ended and the sea of gays were on the move to the festival at Balboa park. Dondi and I meet up with Bev and lara and taxied it to the park. Getting out of the taxi and i rang Steven. He was at a party by his apartment. Dondi and I went over to join them. at this point I was up to 8 make outs. Cory and Kevin, a couple that Steven knows who were at the party, proceeded to be 9 & 10. We didn't stay long at the house party, which was really a condo party. We left and head to the park. While walking i ran into Meg. I remember her name, not sure why. She was a 60 year old lesbian who look like she just ran a marathon( I think she did). Not sure how we started talking, most likely I initiated it. She was cool, we bonded for a few blocks, until i departed her for the ATMS
Now Bolboa park, for those who have not been to San Diego, is huge and has a lot of historical buildings and museums. Tourist were there riding trolleys having an enjoyable family day. San Diego gay Pride is also the biggest event in San Diego, it brings in the largest crowd out of any other event during the year. Needless to say i'm not sure how the tourist felt seeing a swarm of gays, wasted, stumbling down the street guys dressed like girls, girls dressed like guys, feather boas and rainbow flags everywhere. One of these trolleys was fortunate enough to stop in front of me. I, drunk, decided to start welcoming the tourist to San Diego and the gay pride event. Steven said it was quite funny, to us not them. This particular trolley had quite a number of families on there, and they just looked at me with shock.
Number 12. Once we go in the park, I got up to 11 and now I was 1 away from my goal. Some how number 12 ended up being a large blonde drag queen dressed in a white gown. Steven got a picture of the milestone. I don't know how it happened, it just did. But it seems very appropriate that number 12 be "special" I decided not to stop at 12. 12 and on Steven documented with pictures. Like the previous 11 I don't remember any of them. (well I remember 4, the first guy, this hot guy name Dana, and Cory & Kevin.)
The festival is like Philly's Block party, lot of tables with people handing out things or trying to sell things. They put stickers on you, ask to to sign up for this or that or ask for money. At some point I got suckered into paying 10 dollars a month for the Human Rights Campaign and an additional $35 gift for a blue bag with an equal sign on it. Damn them. After that I ended up separate from Steven and at the Kilt tent. I remember seeing guys earlier in kilts and telling Steven that i was going to buy a kilt. So i did. 358 dollars later I walked out of the kilt tent with my new kilt, free balling. Drunk, in a kilt with no underwear, and surrounded by thousands of gays. Not a good thing! I think it is safe to say half of San Diego has touched my balls. I roamed the festival a little more and ended up at the Latin Beer Garden. There luckily I meet up with Steven and Adam. I danced a little. What is better than a drunk guy wearing a kilt and flip flops dancing to latin music. I was a hit. My kilt was a hit. My balls apparently were a hit too.
We stayed at the Latin Tent for the remainder of the festival and stumbled back to Steven's apartment. I believe I mooned a few people on the way. We got to Steven's and then I hit the couch and took a nice power nap. When we all awoke we showered, got dressed then proceed back to drinking and a night on the town. I was still drunk. Now when i say I was drunk, I was drunk but not gone. I was in a happy medium of goofy fun drunk, still can walk right and make sense when talking. Once we got to Rich's though, I don't remember much. As many of my friends know, and now my San Diego friends have seen, me shitloaded is nuts. Uncontrollable. I am like a kid with ADHD x200. I even turned into one of the gays that takes his shit off while dancing. Of course the floor was filled with shirtless guys. We stayed there until Midnight. I later found out the fire marshal showed up at Rich's later that night and shut them down for being over the occupancy. It was good that we left when we did. We went to the Brass Rail. We randomly ran into Oliver, Ken and Eunice in line who showed up the same time. Eunice is cool because I meet her last year at pride. I haven't seen or talked to her since. It was kind of cool to meet her again at this year's pride. Inside the shirt came off again and Adam and I got up and pole danced. Apparently I threw my shirt at some chick when I go up there too.
At the end of the night Adam disappeared (ended up in Chula Vista) and Steven and I went back to his place. Steven was sober and I was tanked. As he drove home, I decide to "lecture" Steven. It was a good talking though, nothing offensive. Just about how he needs to open up more! Steven has actually become my best guy friend out here. He has some attitude but he is sincere and genuine. I trust him and enjoying hanging out with him. He calls me his little brother, even though I am two years older than him. He says something about how I am like a little kid with how I view the world and act sometimes and that makes him feel like i'm his younger brother. He is right.
Sunday.
I woke up drunk. In fact for the whole morning I was drunk still. Steven and I meet up with Brian and Eric for lunch. They didn't realize how drunk I was the previous night. That was the first time I let myself get like that here. I was fine during the day but at night I was shitfaced. I mean my intention was never to get like that at all. I have been really good though at controlling my drinking in San Diego. The main reason is I just don't want to drink a lot but also being in a new town with new friends i just don't feel it wise to get so wasted that I wouldn't be able to get home. After lunch we took a much needed nap. Adam returned home. The nap didn't help me, it actually converted my drunkness to feeling hungover. We decided to still make our way to The Hole. I decided to wear my kilt again because well when the hell will I ever wear a kilt??? I didn't think I was going to make it. I was hungover, barely could stand and my body was shaking, not sure why probably from dehydration? But after pounding a bottle of water and a mini pitcher of miller lite, I miraculously felt fine! Adam, who also was in the same boat as me, agreed that after a beer he felt better. I didn't get drunk, I couldn't. Although I felt better from the beer, I still had no desire to get even close to being intoxicated. After The Hole a huge gang of bears all went to Brian's, a restaurant that is sorta like a diner, as close to a diner San Diego can get. I was still in my kilt. After dinner we went home and debated about going out. We forced ourselves too. We went to Mo's but lasted there only about 30 minutes. The three of us were exhausted and Adam & I still felt gross from being hung over. We went back to Steven's and watched Golden Girls on DVD. And That is how my San Diego Gay Pride Weekend ended.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
i'm a new soul
Who am I to reveal the hidden secrets of the world. I dare not act like I know any. For my hidden secrets of the world is someone else's daily understandings. I may be alone when I walk, but everyone is with me. My adventures in life has crossed paths with a diverse and amazing group of individuals. I feel I have learn something from each them and I could only hope I do the same for them. For those that come into my life I feel I give them a part of me. These parts may vary in size from person to person, but are all still an individualized piece of me and my existence. Although our paths may no longer be crossed, you still have a piece of me and I have a piece of you. I cherish many of my pieces that I have come by and hold them tightly up against my heart. I dare not lose any of them. They refill the pieces I have given away. Like an evolving creature, our souls continues to grow and broaden itself, slowly changing and making it self better each time. We may not realize that it is not that our souls have to die to be reborn again, they are constantly evolving, growing, awakening, yearning to become whole.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
denver thoughts still linger
Happy Fourth! Sadly I'm at work so no fireworks for me. It kind of sucks because everyone was out bar be queing and drinking and I had to nap and go to work. This hospital is alright, rather on the quiet side (hope I didn't just jinks myself!) No where near the acuity like the patients at Hahnemann.
San Diego is amazing. I have very very mixed views that have been clouding my mind. I have met some awesome friends though. It is odd because I am getting into a routine and way of life out. A few months ago I felt like a tourist, infact I would say up until I moved to PB (Pacific Beach), I felt that way. Now I never really lived anywhere but Philly area, so i'm sure those of you who have moved away know have had the same feelings. I missing have my close friends by my side. It is so comforting to have people that have known me for years, versus only a few months.
I didn't think I would enjoy San Diego as much as I do. I know I don't want to live here forever, but I will come back again. I should have went other places first that I knew I would not necessarily want to stay longer, so I would continue my traveling! Grant it, who knows what the months to come will bring. A part of me is excited to go home, but upset that I will leave here and the friends i have meet here. I wish I wasn't even thinking about it because it is still a few months away. But it has been on my mind. When i was in Denver last weekend, I laid in bed thinking about all my friends. It stirred something inside me. I have friends from so many different aspects of my life.. high school, college, nursing school, work... some I get to see everyday (well when I was back home) and others only a couple times a year. I always wish i could spend more time with everyone, especially those dear to me but I only get to see few times a year. My thoughts mademe realize how many people have affected my life, how some are still in my life but others are no longer.
It is interesting being here for what I felt was temporary. The people I have meet here I semi viewed as temporary in the beginning but now that has changed. They have become a part of my life. I share feelings, thoughts and laughs with them. My heart goes out to them. I am blessed to be able to call them friends. It is funny how life works sometimes. Where life will take you. And who you will meet on the way. What I thought was going to be just a short life in a straneg town across the country, has grown into my new home away from home.
I am new to traveling nurses. I am new to living in an area not familiar to me. Although I may struggle emotionally, which when do I ever not, in the end I know I am exactly where I am suppose to be. My heart misses back home, my soul is feeling fulfilled, well partially. I still struggle with what I want to do with my life. I know it is time for a change, not just hospital change. I want to try something completely different in Nursing. When I come back to San Diego I think I will apply to the Health Department and become a public health nurse. Bedside nursing is alright, my patients always seem to love me, most of them. I do not feel completely satisified by my work.
Hopefully now that I let this all stream out of me it will drop out of my mind for the next 2 months. I still have plenty of time in San Diego and in the end I control when I leave and when I come back. I don't need to be worry about something that I have no control over.
San Diego is amazing. I have very very mixed views that have been clouding my mind. I have met some awesome friends though. It is odd because I am getting into a routine and way of life out. A few months ago I felt like a tourist, infact I would say up until I moved to PB (Pacific Beach), I felt that way. Now I never really lived anywhere but Philly area, so i'm sure those of you who have moved away know have had the same feelings. I missing have my close friends by my side. It is so comforting to have people that have known me for years, versus only a few months.
I didn't think I would enjoy San Diego as much as I do. I know I don't want to live here forever, but I will come back again. I should have went other places first that I knew I would not necessarily want to stay longer, so I would continue my traveling! Grant it, who knows what the months to come will bring. A part of me is excited to go home, but upset that I will leave here and the friends i have meet here. I wish I wasn't even thinking about it because it is still a few months away. But it has been on my mind. When i was in Denver last weekend, I laid in bed thinking about all my friends. It stirred something inside me. I have friends from so many different aspects of my life.. high school, college, nursing school, work... some I get to see everyday (well when I was back home) and others only a couple times a year. I always wish i could spend more time with everyone, especially those dear to me but I only get to see few times a year. My thoughts mademe realize how many people have affected my life, how some are still in my life but others are no longer.
It is interesting being here for what I felt was temporary. The people I have meet here I semi viewed as temporary in the beginning but now that has changed. They have become a part of my life. I share feelings, thoughts and laughs with them. My heart goes out to them. I am blessed to be able to call them friends. It is funny how life works sometimes. Where life will take you. And who you will meet on the way. What I thought was going to be just a short life in a straneg town across the country, has grown into my new home away from home.
I am new to traveling nurses. I am new to living in an area not familiar to me. Although I may struggle emotionally, which when do I ever not, in the end I know I am exactly where I am suppose to be. My heart misses back home, my soul is feeling fulfilled, well partially. I still struggle with what I want to do with my life. I know it is time for a change, not just hospital change. I want to try something completely different in Nursing. When I come back to San Diego I think I will apply to the Health Department and become a public health nurse. Bedside nursing is alright, my patients always seem to love me, most of them. I do not feel completely satisified by my work.
Hopefully now that I let this all stream out of me it will drop out of my mind for the next 2 months. I still have plenty of time in San Diego and in the end I control when I leave and when I come back. I don't need to be worry about something that I have no control over.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
zombie march
It's 3:45am, pacific standard time. I'm at work. I'm tired. Voided of any stimulation, I blankly stare hoping a patient will ring for pain medication. (not for diaper changed, I hate cleaning up pooh. Laughing about it yes, cleaning it no!)
NIght shift is a test. I marvel at how long my body can stay awake. Indeed, I am working on my second cup of coffee. However, that cup only gave me enough caffeination to energize me to type a blog. No amount of caffeine really helps during the early hours of morning. It is pure mental and physical powers forcing myself to stay awake. Many people ask me how I can do a 12 hour night shift. I have no idea how I do it. If I wasn't at work, I could try to force myself to stay awake, but often times it results in failure.
I am the walking functional zombie. I respond when needed. Indeed, it maybe be easier on nightshift work wise, but it is more challenging personally as your force your body to ignore its yearning for sleep.
I think the coffee is weaning out of my system because I am losing the mental capacity to type a blog.
NIght shift is a test. I marvel at how long my body can stay awake. Indeed, I am working on my second cup of coffee. However, that cup only gave me enough caffeination to energize me to type a blog. No amount of caffeine really helps during the early hours of morning. It is pure mental and physical powers forcing myself to stay awake. Many people ask me how I can do a 12 hour night shift. I have no idea how I do it. If I wasn't at work, I could try to force myself to stay awake, but often times it results in failure.
I am the walking functional zombie. I respond when needed. Indeed, it maybe be easier on nightshift work wise, but it is more challenging personally as your force your body to ignore its yearning for sleep.
I think the coffee is weaning out of my system because I am losing the mental capacity to type a blog.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Another weekend away
Flew off to Denver for the weekend. My grandma was there for the week, so I too decided to stop by. I miss my g unit, so for her to be all the way out here, I felt the need to try to go see her. Another fun visit to Denver ensued. Sarah's baby shower on saturday. We went up another 14er, Mt Evans, and did some hiking and exploring on Sunday. Then enjoyed a bike ride with my Aunt to Golden, CO this afternoon before it was time for my departure. I love Colorado. It is so beautiful there. I had made many visits out there over the past few years. I haven't traveled to somewhere so frequently except to Columbia MD, and previously was also up to Vermont. Strange that someplace so far is slowly becoming so familiar.
Also I have been thinking more about my future endeavors. I think I may look into becoming a physical therapist. Rumor is they are making that a Doctorate degree now.
I need to enjoy the now though.
Also I have been thinking more about my future endeavors. I think I may look into becoming a physical therapist. Rumor is they are making that a Doctorate degree now.
I need to enjoy the now though.
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