tired

I'm at work. I am exhausted. I have been exhausted. Not that I didn't have a good nights sleep. And grant it, I am working night shift. But I mean in general life terms, I am exhausted. I feel my body has lost all energy. There are multiple of reasons why my body is worn out. Depression, night shift, lack of exercise, poor eating habits, financial woes and general stress all forcing my body to become a walking bomb. Except I can't imagine an explosion, that would require too much energy for which i have none. It would be more like a fizzle out. Sort of like sugar dissolving into coffee. However there is no sweetness to this story.

I have come to terms with my work. At the moment I have to grin and bear it and apply to positions as they come. It is hard to go to work, especially when you set your own hours, to do something you dread doing. I am over bedside nursing, for at least right now. It is emotionally, physically and mentally draining. I am ready for a change. There is hope though. Dare I write the over used analogy light at the end of the tunnel? I will have an interview with Children's Hospital for the OR Training program. I will truly excited about this potential. I know I am good with interviews so I am not too nervous. I am still worried though. However, if it is meant to be it is meant to be.

As for my depression. That has been an issue for so long in my life. I have chosen not to take medication anymore. Right now because I do not have insurance let alone a primary care provider. I have decided that it is time i leave better habits to help me through the rough times. Unfortunately these are very difficult times as every aspect of my life seems negative, except that I am dating a wonderful guy. That sometimes feels like the only thing going right in my life. With everything else, it makes it difficult to break old habits and get into healthy ones. They say to write, write out the thoughs and feelings that engulf you. That is hard. It always has been. I am a thinker, not a writer or orator. Lord knows, my writing is horrible. I am trying to stay a float though. Treading water and refusing to give up. Unfortunately I have gone into self-mode, already overwhelmed by my own issues it is hard to extend out to others. I feel bad for this. Not that anyone is calling for help, but even to check on others life happenings. There is a lot of dust right now in this time of commotion. Ther eis a lot to be ressolved and worked on. I know time is the key and nothing will happen overnight. However, I am a man of little patience. With my age my patience has grown thinner. I hold onto what I can and do what I can. I just hope things will start working out right, at least in some parts of my life.