Maui

Sun filled day today. Finally got to go swimming and was unexpectedly joined by some sea turtles. The water wasn't too clear so it was hard to keep track of there whereabouts. But how awesome.

Took the ferry over to Maui at sunset. What an experience! I think any visit to the Hawaiian Islands needs to include a ferry ride!! I lost my whale sightseeing virginity on the ride too! They were off in the distance but we go to see them jump out of the water and multiple blowhole moments.

Maui seems amazing. I can't wait to see what it looks like in the daylight. We are in Lahaina. Cute town. It is very tourist and a hell of a lot different than Molakai.

This vacation has been perfect.
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Beautiful

Monday, Dec 7th

It rained most of the day, but that didn't stop me from being awe striking but the beauty of Malakai. Today was my first full day on the island. Melanie had to teach. After I dropped her off at school I picked up Kev at the hospital. He worked night shift. He ended up staying up most of the day, at least until we picked Mel up at the end of school.

He took me up to Kala something lookout. I couldn't see a thing from the mist/rain. However it was still beautiful. The wind carried the rain up the cliff so it looked like it was raining upwards. Remarkable sight. The forest we hiked through had piney type trees and the rainy weather made the forest look soft and blended together, almost like a water color painting.

We made our way to the east side of the island. The rain had stopped but still very wet and overcast. The end of the road to the east side leads you to Halawai valley. It's some challenging driving but the scenery is beautiful. As you wind around into the valley you are greeted with such a jaw dropping view. In the distance, set back into the valley, were three waterfalls. Even though it was misty it was still beautiful. I didn't want to leave the little pull off on the side of the road. The sight was spectacular. That made the trip!

We have been very productive in see what the island has to offer, which isn't much. Tomorow might have to be a day of rest. I'm exhausted from all the traveling and lack of sleep. I can tell it is starting to affect my body. Tomorrow will be a day of rest.


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Vaca!

Currently at the Philly airport waiting for my flight to San Diego. I can't wait! I'm a little nervous for my emotional wellbeing though... This will be my first time there since I moved home. I am afraid once I am there again I won't want to come back home and actually make me more depressed once I do get home!!!!

I'm only on San D for 3 days than head off to Malakai, HI to visit Kev and Melanie! It's my first time to Hawaii and what makes it really cool is that it isn't a tourist vacation. I'm going to hang out on an island that is rarely visited by tourist. I will get to experence true Hawaii!!!! How awesome is that, to see a place as it truly is and not all on display.

I'm stoked.


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hmmm

It is interesting grewing up. I look at the past and think what great times. Ironically, during those past times I was hoping for a better future. So one would think if my past looked forward to the future and present misses the past, shouldn't that place me somewhere around yesterday in my mentality.

Perfect Day

Today I must say was a perfect day. I didn't realize how perfect today was until I arrived home.

It started out by waking up next to my boyfriend, Gabe, which is always a wonderful thing.

I then ate my favorite cereal, Peanut Butter Captain Crunch. Seriously, that and Mueslix I could eat everyday all day and not get sick of them.

I had a nice enjoyable smooth ride on Patco and Septa Market-Frankford Line. First half of the journey shared with by Gabe.

Today was my first official day at CHOP, nothing but hospital orientation, but still, my first full day as a CHOP employee technically. The orientation was awesome. I didn't fall asleep once! I normally hate hospital orientation because they are incredibly boring, not this one. I also fallen in love with CHOP. Just leaving about everything they do, but in particular their dedication to being eco-friendly is awesome. They gave all the employees this nice CHOP snow globe. And to top it all off the orientation ended early.

After orientation I went to center city and meet up with Gabe at Cosi's. We were soon joined by Dan. The weather was beautiful, sunny and cool around 55. After hanging out at COsi's we walked over to Maoz. A fast food fallafel restaurant that I love but havent been to in a lonnnng time.

Once we finished at Maoz, we all departed. I walked Gabe to his meeting than go on the train home. Even than, I put on my iphone to listen to music and the best songs came on.

Everything good just seemed to happen.

Even while sitting at Cosi's I had the snowglobe out to show Gabe. A lady walked buy and asked where I got it and here she helped design it. How random!

Also Stephen Miller had walked by (but he wasn't drunk!).

Run-ins like that to always are cool and make the day feel special.

I loved today.

Support Group

A few years ago my then doctor said that if i was to go on antidepressants again she wanted me to stay on them for good. I couldn't accept that amendment. That is when I think I officially wanted to try to mentally win my war with depression. Really, a useless battle, but one I want to, and need to try to accomplish. Needless to say I'm still failing at it. I'm knowingly failing at it though. I become fully aware of my depressive states, and learned my clues to the downward spiral. I also knows what I physically can do to make sure I refrain from falling. There are a combination of things I need to do, nutritionally, physically and spiritually. I know it is time to take this serious. Grant it, I'm not saying medications does not work. They do. But I feel it is a cover. I want to try to accomplish this on my own, like any diagnosis my doctor may give me. I prefer to not to just start taking a pill to mask the symptoms. So often Mental Health is compared to being diagnosed with Diabetes. I don't know why, diabetes is always used. Sometimes, other diseases are thrown out there, but diabetes seems like the number 1 prefer comparison by the Depressed and Bipolar. I do not challenge this and fully accept it. However, my response if the doctor told me I had diabetes would be: what diet modifications and lifestyle changes would I have to make to better control my blood sugar. Unfortunately not as much is known on what brain chemistry is off with depressed individuals. I partly feel it is both a chemical imbalance but also poor coping habits. I want to try to break my habits of when I get depressed. I must sharpen my mental acuity though. I have been lazy with it all. I have ended up where I'm at in part because i let myself get to this point. If i really want to keep on top of this, I need to keep on top of those things that help me prevent and overcome depressive states. A support group I feel will help me keep myself in check. I feel it will help remind me of my condition, thereby making sure I keep up with my preventative measures. I have been dealing with this for 10 years and I know it won't be easy. However, I know better habits won't just help me with depression but help me live healthier, stay in shape and focus my spirituality. It is like a major overhaul. I can only hope I stay focus. It will be difficult, getting motivated is my toughest task.

It wasn't hard for me to go the the support group, although I was nervous. It is hard to get me motivated to do something when I don't have anything to do. Without set tasks or scheduled events (whether it be work, meeting, or gay square dancing) I otherwise just lay in bed all day. I have wasted months so far. I allowed myself to soak in my depression and almost use it as an excuse. No longer. I know I have a light at the end of my tunnel, and always believed that throughout my depressive state. That is something I have learned from my many depressive times, it will get better. I know what this light for this particular tunnel too. First, a change in seasons. This means more available outdoor activities. The second is a new job, which means a shift in career and steady flow of money. However,instead of laying around waiting for it to approach, I want to get that light here faster. Obviously I can not change the weather nor when I start at CHOP, but I can make myself feel better. I can do something with my days instead of letting them go by. Today's step was the support group.

I found the support group online. It is called New Beginnings and meet at a Lutheran Church in Magnolia here in Jersey. I most admit I am impressed with the Lutherans, they seem so community based and supportive. The Independence Squares meet at a Lutheran Church in the city. If I didn't question the divinity of Christ, than I would probably look into the Lutheran church. However, I will stick with learning more about the Quakers and Unitarian Univeralist. My goal with my spirituality this year is go to regular worship services.

What is interesting about most support groups for people who suffer from Depression,is that we are always clumped together with Bipolars. Emotional Support group for those suffering from Bipolar and Depression is the subtitle of most support groups. I see the similarities. I accept it. I just find it interesting we are always put together. I guess we need all the people as possible.

There is another group, Pink and Blues, that meet in the city for those in the LGBT community who suffer from Depression and/or it's cousin Bipolar. I checked this oNew Beginnings out first because it seems like has been around longer and a bit more organized. I think I will still check out Pink and Blues, afterall they do have a cute title! It will come down to the members and who I feel are most supportive.

I am excited about this new adventure in life I will start on.

Night three of Insomnia

After many years of late nights, I have fully accepted the fact that I am a creature of the night. Although, those that see me in the morning may disagree based on how I can be so perky and awake. The past three nights truly proved to be more than just a late night, it has been down right insomnia. I feel wide awake and ready to take on the world. I almost wish I felt this energetic during the day, maybe I would accomplish more, by more I really mean something, anything. I did clean my bedroom today, Kudos to me. The fact that the majority of my shifts are night shifts, 11p-7a or the dreaded 12 hr shifts 7p-7a, doesn't help. I never had a problem with recovery, until now. In fact I have been doing night shifts since June without a problem. Oddly when I worked at Scripps, I barely slept even when I got home. I think that is in part because it was summer and I was in California, who had time to sleep. Now it is winter and I'm back home in dreary Philadelphia. I have noticed that I do tend to sleep more during the day in general now. I'm a poor winter person. I think I have too strong of a hibernation instinct in me. However, back to point, I have always able to adjust sleeping and fall asleep by 1 or 2, my regular chosen bedtime, sometimes later if out or plane refuse to go to sleep. These past 3 days have been different. I have been wide awake. In fact yesterday I slept, "slept", over Gabe's and didn't actually go to sleep until 430-5. I wasn't really tired I pretty much forced myself to try to sleep, which never really works but seemed to this time. I debated just staying up until he had to go to work. When he woke me up around 620 to say good bye, I awoke as if I slept for days and was completely rejuvenated. I didn't even start to feel the lest bit tired until 2 in the afternoon and than I just went with to see if i could fall asleep. I did, until 6. A mere 4 hours and I still feel wide awake. I blame working two 12hour night shifts saturday and sunday, and then sleeping all day monday until 5pm. I think tomorrow night I will just pop some Bennies just to make sure I fall asleep. Bendadryl doesn't ever make me sleepy except when I lay down to actually fall asleep. Works for me.

Tonight. I hung out with John John. He needed some company, his grandma passed away monday morning, a little after midnight. We walked around the city for about an hour trying to find some place to eat. Gabe met up with us around 845 and we ended up at Pietros. After dinner, went back to John John's and watched Mamma Mia. Awesome movie. I am a sucker for musicals, especially movie musicals. I want a greek wedding, with people dancing and singing and a church on rocks sticking out of the ocean. To top the night off I ended my good night to Gabe with I love you.

The I love you should be a whole other blog, but since I am awake and typing I will just go with it.

I know I was feeling the Love but just hadn't been saying it. I already in my mind established him as my third love. John, Mike and now Gabe. So if in my head i saw him on the same levels as John and Mike than why should I not just tell him that I feel that strongly about him. I think about him when I wake up and right before I fall asleep. I cherish my time with him, and when I am not with him I feel uninspired and lifeless. He fills me with joy and happiness. we are an odd couple, odd as really just goofy, but that is why I enjoy us. I am excited about this relationship and watching it grow! The only thing that really kept me is if it was the right time, didn't want to stay it too soon. Not that that really mattered, he had already dropped it in the middle of January. I was going to wait until Valetine's Day, but that's cheesy. I just went with it tonight. Kudos to me again!

2009

I knew from the get go 2009 would be an interesting year. I think today was a true example of how this year will turn on. I was awaken from slumber by the nurse recruiter from Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. She was calling to extend an offer to join the OR in their Spring PeriOperative Training Program. After waiting for over a week I finally got the official answer. I was overjoyed. It comes though in the wake of a week ending with Brady Hick's sister and John John's uncle passing away. Infact with the morning bring news of my new employment, the night brought the viewing of Tyler Hicks, Brady's sister. It was hard to accept congratulations from my friends surrrounded by such mourning and knowing a friend's sister will be buried tomorrow. But this is the 2009 I have expected.

I knew my life will be a challenge but with a bright strong light just ahead. I have accepted my troubles, struggles but with a knowledge that this will be temporary. I my life will start low but only build. Although I did not expect the death of Brady's sister, I know that John andhis family will face multiple deaths, as we entered 2009 with his Uncle and Grandma with terminal cancer, his father with severe liver problems and his other grandma constantly in and out of the hospital with her dementia. There is no doubt there will be unexpected surprises, good and bad, like Brady's sister. Like I told Gabe, this will be a year of deaths. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. There has been a lot of births and marriages, familys growing. The past few years have brought family growth. Deaths, sickness and seperations have been far and few in between and overcast by the time of unity. One could say it has been a time of prosperity. But I guess in line with economy, mere chance i believe with no relation, there is a start of decline. (Of course the economy is more like a complete bottoming out!) With such strong growth there must be a time of death.

As for me, although I continue to struggle. I have made my goal of 2009 to overcome my depression completely, to change my mental habits. I plan to really focus on changing how I handle stress and how to break free of the constant onsets of depression I get into. I have entered 2009 with 2 positives, a wonderful relationship and the prospect of a new career in Nursing. The relationship still continues strong and the possiblity of working in a new field of nursing is confirmed, I have a greater sense of excitement for 2009 and what it has in store for me. I never before have been in such a depth of depression but yet had such a strong faith and true belief that things are getting better. I am accepting my struggles of the moment and learning from them. Understanding that this is part of my sacrifice for a better future. I must also admit with the election of Obama to presidency there is such a great sense of future change towards the positive. I feel inspired by him and aligned with his hope for a better and different tomorrow.

What makes this morning 11:55 phone call even more interesting is the fact that last night was the first time I celebrated the CHinese New Year. Gabe, John, Dan and myself all went down to Chinatown to see the Lion Dances and celebrate the CHinese New Year.

I must say with all that has occured over the past days and weeks, I find it exciting. Yes although I am the one not faced with deaths, I still find it interesting how life works. I do believe things happen because of a reason, a plan. There are paths are set for us and although our free choice made lead us down another path, things work out in the end. FOr example, although I free like I should not have left San Diego, I did for a reason. I am now with Gabe and going to make a much needed and yearned for change in my career. If it were meant for me to be back in San Diego, than life would have presented itself to be that case. I still struggle with being back home and still feel a draw to San Diego and California, but I can only hope that one day I will be back there. However being with Gabe feels right. Plus I find it more than just mere chance that I feel into a job at CHildren's Hospital's OR. Life works in mysterious ways, and although I get overwhelmed by the mystery, I also get excited by them.

Tonight ended with Kat her bf Dan, John and I standing in the parking lot of St Katerine of Sienna's parking lot, which was right next to the funeral home. We decided to go out to eat. Our relationship with Kat has been interesting over the past several years, with great deterioation, mostly by her choice. We never knew quite the reasons. We also have constantly spoken of given up on her but never truly have in our hearts. We went to TGIF's in Bensalem and were later joined by Lauren Winkler, Dan and Bob. It was an old group of friends who have come together. I found it to be a prised moment for the new year. With unity comes seperation, with a departure comes an arrival. It is constant flow, a cycle.

History

I witnessed history yesterday. Barrack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President, and more historically, the first African American President. I often was astonished by all the events my parents and grandparents have bare witnessed to in their lifetimes. I do not overlook any event that has occurred in the 27 years I was born. My first memory being the Space shuttle Challenger explosion. But yesterday, yesterday was different. A moment that will spark, or hope to spark, change throughout our great nation, politically and culturally. A positive change. I hope for a new dawn. It seemed perfect timing. I have to wonder if the failures, the vastness unmeasurable, of President Bush help stir the need for such a desire for change throughout this land. It is this desire that helped Barrack Obama come to be elected.

I have never once doubted I would see in my lifetime the first black president, just like I know one day I will see the first female president. (I am still a solid supporter of Hillary Clinton!) I know I am of a different generation. A generation that was raised on the belief of equality. Such a belief that previous generations fought so hard to achieve. What they did not realize, is their goal was already achieved. What they fought so hard for, was a truth in my generation's mind. It is only now, that I have realized this.Still, the inauguration of the first African American president is a great achievement and step in the fight for equality.

What is sad is I question whether I will see in my lifetime the first openly gay president. I believe I will but it is still with hesitation I hold that belief. The challenges the gay community face still are overwhelming. A belief that the LGBT community does not deserve the same rights as Heterosexuals is held strong in teh minds of many citizens. Our struggles are not only against individuals, but churches. Organized Religion remains the biggest supporter of anti-homosexual agenda. Not to say, there are churches and religious communities who support homosexuals, but they are most certainly out-weighed.

I would love to be the first openly Gay President. I guess I would have to get into politics first. My friends laugh at such a prospect. I do feel I was intended for greater good. I know I may not be ready for such steps. However, I also know I have not made any efforts to change. Maybe it is time. Maybe 2009 will provide me the opportunities to change. Maybe with the election of Obama, the election of change and hope, will keep it's spark alive in me.

A segment from my facebook..

Matthew joined the group 1,000,000 Strong to Strip the Mormon Church of its Tax Exempt Status. 7:12am - Comment - Show Comments (8)Hide Comments (8)

Jilly Harrigan at 8:35am January 21
May I ask why?

Matthew Kalinowsky at 2:21pm January 21
for funding support for Prop 8 in california

Sean Stidham at 2:38pm January 21
Matt when people ask why, let them know they fueled an out of state campaign to take away the rights we already had to marry. Even knowing that the campaign grossly lied, mislead the public and exploited children, they still asked their members to go above and beyond to stop gay marriage and poured millions of dollars into the campaign. They more than crossed the line legally and morally.

Jilly Harrigan at 2:52pm January 21
Matt's answer was good enough for me

Meghan Hunt at 3:03pm January 21
Well, by Sean's reasoning, then we should really start rallying to strip the Catholic Church of its tax exempt status, don't you think? And any other church who has tax exempt status under the 503(c)(3) standard.

Religious zealots will pay money to further their cause...I don't agree with it, but don't single out the Mormon church when there are hundreds of others out there who do the same thing. Be fair - strip them all.

Matthew Kalinowsky at 3:32pm January 21
oh meg i agree.. i think they all SHOULD have their tax exempt status taking away. (What better time for politicians to make the move than a failing economy!) But because of recent highly coordinated and directed efforts on the Mormon church towards the LGBT community, we feel it rightfully so to start with them. Any church or organization that wants to financially support the efforts that deny rights to any human being should not be allowed to than turn around and qualify to be tax exemption. Churches have gone to far and if the LGBT community has to be the one to finally step up to the plates, mostly because of being targeted by the religious community, than we must take up this challenge.

Basically... if you didn't want to read all that... the Mormon church will be the scapegoats. We got to start somewhere!

Meghan Hunt at 3:37pm January 21
I completely agree. :) And I find it beautifully ironic that a church will be used as a scapegoat - any church, really, because yes, I am that much of an agnostic. :D

Did you see today that Obama is freezing and cutting the salaries of key lobbyists and aides in the White House and he's making them to go ethics training? How great is that?! DC is so clogged it needs a political enema just to breathe again - hopefully the Obama administration will be the saline solution it needs (and yes, that was a poor analogy, but I made it just for you, Mr. Nurse man - because I love you).

Matthew Kalinowsky at 4:02pm January 21
More and more I have falling in love with Obama, especially today with his executive orders. I was still a little unsure whether he would truly foster the needed change, but I am a true believer! (I am particularly thrilled with his renewable energy policies, for the environment is a golden cause of mine )

I must admit ... a good poop reference, including enemas, is always welcomed !!! May I suggest though a milk & honey enema (yes i have seen, luckily not on my patient, such an order in the hospital), i feel it is all natural way to flush out the impurities in Washington.

A Dream

I had an interesting dream during a long nap today, thursday. It has been on my mind all day.

It took place in my yard, my actually yard. These two similiar looking lost cats showed up. They looked siamese but an orange base color, and their hair shaven in the back. Beside me was our old family cat, Mother Cat or Kit. She had two names, mostly Mother Cat though because when my parents found her she had kittens and every year that we had her she would pop more out. Anyways back to the dream. At the same time i noticed the lost cats, Mother Cat did as well and started hissing and getting all upset. She than darted to attack but instead of attacking the twin cats she attacked another cat that was hidden in grass watching them. I never saw they other cat, only Kit did and chased the cat off. She still was a little aggravated with the new cats but never attacked them. I was able to pick them up and noticed they had multiple tags, one having the name and number of the owner. I then remember thinking how excited the owners will be to know i found them and how they looked like they were lost for awhile. I than proceeded to call the owners.

The End.

That is where the dreams fades to an end. It was a quick dream, but very vivid. I tried using some online dream dictionaries to help decipher the meaning. I never dreamed of Mother Cat before and she died a long long time ago, well over 10 years ago. Other parts have baffled me as well. Like what the possible meaning of Kit attacking the unseen cat. Also why there were two lost cats.

I am a man of symbolism and meaning, both in life and dreams. A dream so vivid and unique, I can't help but wonder, what does it all mean.