Support Group

A few years ago my then doctor said that if i was to go on antidepressants again she wanted me to stay on them for good. I couldn't accept that amendment. That is when I think I officially wanted to try to mentally win my war with depression. Really, a useless battle, but one I want to, and need to try to accomplish. Needless to say I'm still failing at it. I'm knowingly failing at it though. I become fully aware of my depressive states, and learned my clues to the downward spiral. I also knows what I physically can do to make sure I refrain from falling. There are a combination of things I need to do, nutritionally, physically and spiritually. I know it is time to take this serious. Grant it, I'm not saying medications does not work. They do. But I feel it is a cover. I want to try to accomplish this on my own, like any diagnosis my doctor may give me. I prefer to not to just start taking a pill to mask the symptoms. So often Mental Health is compared to being diagnosed with Diabetes. I don't know why, diabetes is always used. Sometimes, other diseases are thrown out there, but diabetes seems like the number 1 prefer comparison by the Depressed and Bipolar. I do not challenge this and fully accept it. However, my response if the doctor told me I had diabetes would be: what diet modifications and lifestyle changes would I have to make to better control my blood sugar. Unfortunately not as much is known on what brain chemistry is off with depressed individuals. I partly feel it is both a chemical imbalance but also poor coping habits. I want to try to break my habits of when I get depressed. I must sharpen my mental acuity though. I have been lazy with it all. I have ended up where I'm at in part because i let myself get to this point. If i really want to keep on top of this, I need to keep on top of those things that help me prevent and overcome depressive states. A support group I feel will help me keep myself in check. I feel it will help remind me of my condition, thereby making sure I keep up with my preventative measures. I have been dealing with this for 10 years and I know it won't be easy. However, I know better habits won't just help me with depression but help me live healthier, stay in shape and focus my spirituality. It is like a major overhaul. I can only hope I stay focus. It will be difficult, getting motivated is my toughest task.

It wasn't hard for me to go the the support group, although I was nervous. It is hard to get me motivated to do something when I don't have anything to do. Without set tasks or scheduled events (whether it be work, meeting, or gay square dancing) I otherwise just lay in bed all day. I have wasted months so far. I allowed myself to soak in my depression and almost use it as an excuse. No longer. I know I have a light at the end of my tunnel, and always believed that throughout my depressive state. That is something I have learned from my many depressive times, it will get better. I know what this light for this particular tunnel too. First, a change in seasons. This means more available outdoor activities. The second is a new job, which means a shift in career and steady flow of money. However,instead of laying around waiting for it to approach, I want to get that light here faster. Obviously I can not change the weather nor when I start at CHOP, but I can make myself feel better. I can do something with my days instead of letting them go by. Today's step was the support group.

I found the support group online. It is called New Beginnings and meet at a Lutheran Church in Magnolia here in Jersey. I most admit I am impressed with the Lutherans, they seem so community based and supportive. The Independence Squares meet at a Lutheran Church in the city. If I didn't question the divinity of Christ, than I would probably look into the Lutheran church. However, I will stick with learning more about the Quakers and Unitarian Univeralist. My goal with my spirituality this year is go to regular worship services.

What is interesting about most support groups for people who suffer from Depression,is that we are always clumped together with Bipolars. Emotional Support group for those suffering from Bipolar and Depression is the subtitle of most support groups. I see the similarities. I accept it. I just find it interesting we are always put together. I guess we need all the people as possible.

There is another group, Pink and Blues, that meet in the city for those in the LGBT community who suffer from Depression and/or it's cousin Bipolar. I checked this oNew Beginnings out first because it seems like has been around longer and a bit more organized. I think I will still check out Pink and Blues, afterall they do have a cute title! It will come down to the members and who I feel are most supportive.

I am excited about this new adventure in life I will start on.

Night three of Insomnia

After many years of late nights, I have fully accepted the fact that I am a creature of the night. Although, those that see me in the morning may disagree based on how I can be so perky and awake. The past three nights truly proved to be more than just a late night, it has been down right insomnia. I feel wide awake and ready to take on the world. I almost wish I felt this energetic during the day, maybe I would accomplish more, by more I really mean something, anything. I did clean my bedroom today, Kudos to me. The fact that the majority of my shifts are night shifts, 11p-7a or the dreaded 12 hr shifts 7p-7a, doesn't help. I never had a problem with recovery, until now. In fact I have been doing night shifts since June without a problem. Oddly when I worked at Scripps, I barely slept even when I got home. I think that is in part because it was summer and I was in California, who had time to sleep. Now it is winter and I'm back home in dreary Philadelphia. I have noticed that I do tend to sleep more during the day in general now. I'm a poor winter person. I think I have too strong of a hibernation instinct in me. However, back to point, I have always able to adjust sleeping and fall asleep by 1 or 2, my regular chosen bedtime, sometimes later if out or plane refuse to go to sleep. These past 3 days have been different. I have been wide awake. In fact yesterday I slept, "slept", over Gabe's and didn't actually go to sleep until 430-5. I wasn't really tired I pretty much forced myself to try to sleep, which never really works but seemed to this time. I debated just staying up until he had to go to work. When he woke me up around 620 to say good bye, I awoke as if I slept for days and was completely rejuvenated. I didn't even start to feel the lest bit tired until 2 in the afternoon and than I just went with to see if i could fall asleep. I did, until 6. A mere 4 hours and I still feel wide awake. I blame working two 12hour night shifts saturday and sunday, and then sleeping all day monday until 5pm. I think tomorrow night I will just pop some Bennies just to make sure I fall asleep. Bendadryl doesn't ever make me sleepy except when I lay down to actually fall asleep. Works for me.

Tonight. I hung out with John John. He needed some company, his grandma passed away monday morning, a little after midnight. We walked around the city for about an hour trying to find some place to eat. Gabe met up with us around 845 and we ended up at Pietros. After dinner, went back to John John's and watched Mamma Mia. Awesome movie. I am a sucker for musicals, especially movie musicals. I want a greek wedding, with people dancing and singing and a church on rocks sticking out of the ocean. To top the night off I ended my good night to Gabe with I love you.

The I love you should be a whole other blog, but since I am awake and typing I will just go with it.

I know I was feeling the Love but just hadn't been saying it. I already in my mind established him as my third love. John, Mike and now Gabe. So if in my head i saw him on the same levels as John and Mike than why should I not just tell him that I feel that strongly about him. I think about him when I wake up and right before I fall asleep. I cherish my time with him, and when I am not with him I feel uninspired and lifeless. He fills me with joy and happiness. we are an odd couple, odd as really just goofy, but that is why I enjoy us. I am excited about this relationship and watching it grow! The only thing that really kept me is if it was the right time, didn't want to stay it too soon. Not that that really mattered, he had already dropped it in the middle of January. I was going to wait until Valetine's Day, but that's cheesy. I just went with it tonight. Kudos to me again!